Too Much Intimacy

We usually think of relationships as opportunities for intimacy, both emotional and sexual. But, can too much intimacy or closeness lead to problems?

You may have heard it said about retirement, “I married you for dinner, not for lunch.” Couples who were used to having the business day separate from each other might now be working from home or idle at home. This greatly increases the irritation factor; and added to the generalized anxiety; it can create friction in the home. Sometimes, too much intimacy leads to problems.

But it doesn’t only happen in retirement: couples who live and work together, or work separate jobs from home, or are together too much of the time for whatever reason, even if they love each other, can need to find personal space in order to get along. Many people experienced these problems while confined at home during the COVID epidemic.

The most common issues are:

Space: Couples need to find ways to get personal space from each other.

Power Struggles: Certain areas of the home can feel territorial “The kitchen (or home office, or den) is my space; I’m the boss in the kitchen”

Sharing Responsibility: When both partners work, household chores can become a problem and yard chores can add to the pressure.

Intimacy: The “How can I miss you if you don’t go away?” factor makes it more difficult to transition from other things to intimacy. Many couples find that sexual contact diminishes when they don’t get enough individual space.

Work and Childrearing: Couples can struggle over getting uninterrupted time to work, or when and how to focus on their children, or helping with homework.

Couples often use keeping busy and being separate (at work, going out, etc.) to keep old issues at bay, but increased togetherness can bring them up. Working through those issues and setting them to rest is a good thing, but it’s not always easy.

Take turns at being separate in your home, to make it double as alone time. Give each other permission to “escape” in online pursuits, reading, listening to music with headphones, getting out into the yard, balcony or patio, and walking pets.

Couples who are finding it difficult to be together for long periods of time can try the following.

• All cohabiting couples need to learn about transitions and reconnecting. It’s not easy to get from taking out the garbage to having sex; or to go from being apart to being affectionate. Time alone is essential; as are little affectionate pats and looks whenever possible. If you have children, you can still get close emotionally while they are awake and around, and then move that further to physical affection after the children are asleep. Develop signals, and learn to be complementary and caring: it will go a long way toward getting your partner in the mood. A little affection throughout the day is a good start.

• Make recreation, play and fun a priority.  Put more energy into making your partner laugh, and you’ll find a playful approach will motivate both you and your spouse to want to be close. Pleasure, humor, leisure activities, and silliness are ways we recharge, renew our energy, restore our hope and positive outlook, and connect with each other. Don’t allow too much of your time to be absorbed by TV, e-mail, computer games, or video chatting with other people; instead use it judiciously to get separate time.

• Don’t let your expectations get out of line. Fun and intimacy do not depend on spending money or going to extremes. Having fun doesn’t depend on a particular setting or activity, and doesn’t have to take a lot of time. Enjoying yourselves is an internal process. You can be close sitting still and talking about interesting or enjoyable things, working together in your garden, playing with the kids or the dog, or doing a puzzle. Singing, dancing, playing a sport or a board game may be what you need to feel close. Through play we reconnect with our hearts, our childlike selves, and the intuitive, spontaneous responses that lead to sexual connections.

• When you look back on your most intimate experiences, they are more likely to have been spontaneous and simple rather than elaborate and expensive.

•Develop "signals” that work. A special light in the bedroom (when it’s lit, at least one of you is interested in getting close) a bouquet of flowers, dressing up a little, a certain touch or phrase.  

• Be careful that your desire for intimacy is always a request and not a demand: the difference is that a request can take “no” for an answer. A demand is oppressive; a request is complementary. Demands push you apart; requests invite the other person to come closer.

• Once you have established some transitions that work, try some surprises.  A surprise means you haven't consulted each other, so with all surprises, give your partner time to respond, and be prepared to change the details if necessary. You could be showered, scented, and dressed in something you know your mate will like when he or she comes home from grocery shopping, walking the dog or back into your presence from focusing on work or the kids, and make your move.  Observe your mate’s response, and be prepared to back off if you’ve picked a bad time. Your sense of humor works well here. When they work well, surprises can add some excitement and energy to your sexual relationship; but only if done infrequently.

• Sex is a physical form of communication, and like all other communication, it requires some time. Give yourselves transition time before getting sexual. Don’t expect to be able to jump into bed and "get it on”.  Allow time for quiet conversation, sensual touch, etc.  A “quickie” can be lots of fun, but the fun disappears if it becomes your only option.

• For most of us (although not everyone), "romance” is important to some degree in encouraging a sexual mood.  The relaxed anticipation produced by the right music, soft lights and sweet words makes an ideal atmosphere for intimacy, which leads to verbal and physical affection. Keep in mind that what feels romantic or sexy differs for men and women, so include cues that work for both of you. Many couples find that watching erotic or romantic movies helps set the mood.

• When you’re married and living together, it is too easy to let romance slide. Write poetry, silly notes, or songs, clip a magazine cartoon, or simply speak the positive things you feel. Take an extra few minutes to set a scene when you have quiet time together. If you know your spouse finds some aspect of a movie sexy or romantic, imitate it: bring your wife the same kind of flowers, or show up in the bedroom in a similar slip to the one your husband admired on the leading lady. If the romantic couple in the movie takes a long, romantic walk in the woods, try walking together in a local park. Movies often signal romance with slow dancing, so you might try it in the kitchen or dining room.

• If you need more silence or privacy to work or just relax, use headphones. This is an ideal time to get some space from each other. One can watch romantic or action movies, the other can listen to the news, audiobooks or videos on the computer.

• When It’s not possible to go out for “date night,” set a regular time to dress up a little, have a dinner with nice china and perhaps wine, and celebrate each other at home.

• Any time a couple survives a difficult time with their good feelings for each other intact, it strengthens their bond. Work to keep a good connection and a sense of humor and compassion, and you’ll be rewarded with a stronger, happier relationship.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship 2nd Ed

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